More... Because I'm Liking Some New Perspectives.

 New Blog... I'll still post on this sometimes... but I'm aiming for a new outlook with this new one. 

Thanks Guys ^_^

http://thosethingsyouscreaminyourpillow.blogspot.com/

Fall... And Now I'll Unravel.

You want to know how I feel? I'll tell you. My life has made me so miserable that I want to leave and never come back. I'm sick of running from my fears. I'm sick of turning to hurting myself to feel better. And I'm fucking through with all this suffering. Because of this I'm going to be scared for the rest of my life. This life has fucked me over and I'm fucking through. I almost ended everything a few days ago. And you know what, I'D DO IT AGAIN TO! Why does everyone want to make me so fucking miserable. THANKS FOR FUCKING ME UP!

Un - [Made]

So now I'm a disease?
You can't take who I've become?
Don't worry...
I'll get rid of me for you.

I Don't [Know]

I'm fading out,
My thoughts aren't clear.
If you love me, help.
I'm filled with fear.

I did it once,
I'll do it again.
I 'm screaming in pain,
And don't have a friend.


This was all I wanted,
But now I don't know.
If this is truly the path
I want to go.

Pain... Something I Know Way Too Well

I can feel my heart beating 100 mph. It's the sensation of burning and freezing in high voltage air. I pray every night that it will collapse and I won't have to endure it any longer. I know this all too well, and I couldn't be more scared. And I'm just aching inside to find who I'm suppossed to be. But is it worth it? All of my thoughts have put me into a downfall. This maximum security is fucking with me. This is the point where I'm beyond tears. I've been forced to believe I'm a monster. My paranoia is catching up to me, I can feel their eyes burning holes in my skin. It's maddening the nightmares I have. I'm terrified to go to sleep. And the truth is, more than once, that knife looks more friendly than not. I'm so deep in myself I just want to scream. This fear isn't going away. It's causing me agony. I'm being kept in this cave, left to die all alone. The gaurd has done no good for my life. The warden has me in chains again, but I doubt for the very last time. Sometimes I look in the mirror, but my reflection makes me cringe in disgust. I see an ugly girl with a ragged look and tears streaming down her eyes. As my blood flows through my veins, my body throbs in agony. With my finger, I trace their outlines along my wrist. Pins and needles crawl up my back. The constant feeling of being alone has done damage. Running away is pointless, this isn't a phisical problem. This is mental abuse, leaving mental bruises and scars on my life. These things are the ones people don't tend to get over. They usually bring them to the grave. The traggedy is that they're death was of their own accord by their own hands. But as twisted as that sounds, it's the saving grace of the damned. We've been brainwashed to believe we have nothing to live for. That we'll never be loved for who we are because we're unnatural and failures. I was told once to not listen to what they say, but it's hard not to. It's hard not to start believing you own up to nothing when you're told that daily. Sure, I'll put on a mask as fake as the movies. I'll put on a show so life like, you would never question it. But I'll be miserable the whole time. In situations like these, depression isn't the right word, because clearly I have fooled the world that I'm fine. This is a state of constant mental breakdown. I've led you all to believe I'm a happy free soul once more. Honestly, I'm walking the thin line of insanity and rage. I have nobody at my side. I'm watching as I become mentaly violent towards myself. On the inside there's a riot that makes any civil war look like a slap fight. I'm wearing down, and for the first time in my life, I'm crying out for help. I'm calling for any soul who can save me from murdering my own. I'm reaching out screaming, and I'm crying because no one will come.

r o o t

My mind has been spinning circles, making large tornados and cyclones. They've made a wreck of my brain. These hurricanes of questions and thoughts are catastrophic. They all have branched out from the root question... "Who am I?"

- Know - How Much...

How is it that one person can make you feel like sunlight? It's like they were crafted to know you inside and out. Is it normal that when I see you, my heart beats 1,000,000,000 miles a minute? When I'm in your arms, everything disapears but you and me. There's something about you that brings who I truly am on the inside. You have this way of knowing exactly what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. It's weird how you have this ability to break down these barriers I've built. Most of all, you have a gift for putting me at ease. It's almost as if you paralize my nerves, my senses. I'm not going to resent it. I just don't know how you do it. I wish you knew how much you affect me. I hope you know how much you've made me love you.

~Want~ But I'm Gone

I want to live the life I've hoped about.
I want to know the feeling of free-falling for miles.
I want to be weightless and float away.

I dream of falling in love forever.
I dream of running and never comming back.
I dream of creating a world all my own.

I'm done with letting you control me.
I'm done with watching you ruin my soul.
I'm done with listening to how you'll make me like you.

I will die if I'm like you.
I will always stand up to you.
I will never love you.

I hate you for all that you are.
I am leaving with all that I am.
I will show you you're wrong.

You make me sick.
You're dead to me now.
You've lost this war.

You leach
You poser
You killer
You liar
You sicko
You user

I know you're a savage
And I'm done with being hurt.
I'm leaving forever.

- Pass - I'm Never Fitting In

I'm not going to change. I'm not going to try to fit in to your infantile stereotypes. I could care less about what you label me as, because I don't believe in it. Call me scene, emo, punk, goth. You could call me a slut, but that'd be a lie. People aren't meant to be classified and seperated. What's the point? I am who I am. I'm not trying to fit your social patterns. Thanks anyways, but I'll stick to being myself. This is only highschool. In 20 years, who cares if you were the jock, the prep, the skater, or scene? We're all poeple, we bleed the same, we have the same needs, we all want to be loved for who we are.

So, as tempting as it sounds to fit in, I think I'll pass.

[Hide] ... But I Need To Know

I'm going to be honest. I often wonder what my purpose is here. Why is my life the way it is? What am I even doing here in the first place? Hours upon hours I'll be deep in thought. It scares me sometimes. The depth of my own mind. I over think things alot. But one thing that scares me the most is the answers I come up with. Sometimes, I find no answer at all. Other times, I bring my whole exsistance into a new perspective. On more than one occation, I've ended up asking people I hold close for the answers. I don't claim to be currently depressed, don't get me wrong. But I do tend to stray towards that fault line between normality, and unnatural on occation. Does it scare me? No... it haunts me. Does it affect me? Beyond what you believe capable. Life, for me, has to be the scariest balancing act ever preformed. The scales are uneven, on fire, greased, and has a tendancey to give nasty splinters. So given the circumstances, I've managed pretty well. But I'm still left wondering why I'm the target for gunfire. It's like I've been hazed my whole life... for what? And I've gone to hell and back looking for an answer, a reason, some possible explination to why I'm left in the dust. I'm walking on pins and neeldles against my own will. Oh god I just want to fly away and leave all this pressure behind. This burning in my soul that knows that there must be a reason. I know deep down, this isn't all some game. My story is writen somewhere, like a prophesy, just waiting for me to read it. There's an author for it who's hiding it from me, but why. My question is simple, I need a truth.

What is my purpose here?

Help... ?

Why do I feel like somethings going to happen? I have this feeling in my gut that tells me, "Somethings wrong". Why does the smell of breakfast make me nauseous? The aroma of bacon and eggs makes my stomach turn. Is there any reason that, instead of sizzling bacon, I hear a death march? What's going on? This paranoia is driving me wild. It's the feeling you get when a friend knows something that you should know. So tell me... am I going crazy, or do you feel it too?

(OMFG) ... Our Society Today... The Metic Droid

Fer sure maybe fer sure not
Fer sure eh fer sure bomb
Pulled up at a stop light did drugs on the dashboard
Look at the mess we made tonight

Kick off your stilettos
Kick off your stilettos
And fuck me in the backseat
Fuck me in the backseat
You're always falling in disguise
And always quick to compromise

Kick off your stilettos [oh yeah]
Kick off your stilettos
And fuck me in the backseat [fa-fa-fa]
Fuck me in the backseat
Fer sure maybe fer sure not
Fer sure eh fer sure bomb

This is the end of what we planned [of what we planned]
And now.

We're not falling in love
We're just falling apart [so girl let's dance the night away]
This is how the beat goes
This is how the beat goes [Just let your body go]

This is how the beat drops
This is how the beat drops [I wanna see your panties drop girl now]
All this time is wasted pretending we're in love
But that's alright cause you know
I love being with you and seeing you cry

So don't let go-o-o
Well don't let go, no-o
Don't let go

Fer sure maybe fer sure not
Fer sure eh fer sure bomb
Pulled up at a stop light did drugs on the dashboard
Look at the mess we made tonight

Kick off your stilettos
Kick off your stilettos
And fuck me in the backseat
Fuck me in the backseat
You're always falling in disguise
And always quick to compromise

Kick off your stilettos [oh yeah]
Kick off your stilettos
And fuck me in the backseat [fa-fa-fa]
Fuck me in the backseat
Fer sure maybe fer sure not
Fer sure eh fer sure bomb

This is the end of what we planned [of what we planned]
And now.

We're not falling in love
We're just falling apart [so girl let's dance the night away]
This is how the beat goes
This is how the beat goes [Just let your body go]

This is how the beat drops
This is how the beat drops [I wanna see your panties drop girl now]
All this time is wasted pretending we're in love
But that's alright cause you know
I love being with you and seeing you cry

So don't let go-o-o
Well don't let go, no-o
Don't let go

No j-k-j-k-j-k l-o-l-o-l-o-l
I heart your fucking makeup
Oh my god I love your hair
Is that a new tattoo?
Did that piercing fucking hurt?
No j-k-j-k-j-k l-o-l-o-l-o-l

We're not falling in love
We're just falling apart [so girl let's dance the night away]
This is how the beat goes
This is how the beat goes [Just let your body go]

This is how the beat drops
This is how the beat drops [I wanna see your panties drop girl now]
All this time is wasted pretending we're in love
But that's alright cause you know
I love being with you and seeing you cry

So don't let go-o-o [All this time is wasted]
Well don't let go, no-o [Pretending we're in love]
But that's alright cause you know
I love being with you and seeing you cry
But that's alright

This is a song called Fer Sure by The Metic Droid.And it's sad... because this really is how we act today.

[Game] ... Oh The Silly Things In Advisory XD

- The object of the game is to secretly hide clues to what movie your thinking of in your answer. However... In advisory... I pretty much kicked ass. -

Question - "So Kayla... Do you like Canadians?"

Answer - "Well Jessica. I do. I am Canadian myself. However, in a series of unfortunate events, there was a potato famine. And the boy in striped pajamas told my family we had to leave because the strangers next had it in for us. So we had to ask our godfather for help out."

Response to my answer - "Wow... Thanks Kayla"

I soooooooo owned Jessica on that one :) hahahha.

[Away] ... I'll Get Personal Again.

"I love you" isn't for making conversation.
"I need you" isn't just something to say.
"I want you" doesn't belong in lies.
And "I'm sorry" wont make the pain go away.

A heart isn't something to mess with.
Emotions can cuddle then sting.
Now my tears, they fall, 'cause I've learned...
A kiss doesn't promise a thing.

I wish I may, I wish I might
Upon any star that may fall.
That these thoughts won't keep me up tonight.
For to long I've seen 3 in the morn'.

My head, it hits the pillow.
But these crystal eyes won't close.
As my heart starts to freeze over,
Changing to blue from rose.

I pushed away these figures.
I run from all the pain.
I melt into the shadows,
Left cold and in the rain.

This damage, too large, for time to mend.
I'm just gone beyond repair.
Behind this mask, I'm screaming.
Alone, too much to bear.

I'll wear this painted smile.
Go through the motions to trick the witness.
This show, I know, has fooled you all.
And never to a soul will I confess.

This mangled reflection, in these shards.
The ugly girl I'm afraid to face.
Smothering the beauty who lies inside.
Unknowing of her grace.

Shes damaged, yes, her blood runs cold.
She gave up the fight, gave up control.
My inner angel built a wall,
Never to trust a soul.

This mask I've built, I've built it well.
These lies I've woven are empty.
So strong, so delicate, so intricately simple,
One lock, but I'm the key.

I'm not the fool, no not this time.
These icy blues have seen too much.
And pride rebuilds, but souls do not.
Read my warning... "DO NOT TOUCH!"

My heart beats faint, like dying breaths.
Singing ballads. Sick lyrical lies.
I'm reaching for the life, that fire, I hide.
Flames of all colours and unfathomable size.

I'm overcome with fear, but none at all.
Failures I've had, Mistakes I've done.
They tore me down but made me strong
And this war, will never be won.

I realize this, now more than ever.
As I let myself go under, go numb.
I gave up a battle, gave up control,
Automatic. What I've become.

The ugly girl, she screams as she breaks.
The mask's metallic echos... that face I shed.
She sobs in fear, gives up the lock.
As I breathe, I see, her and the mask, are dead.

The inner beauty shines an aura of light.
Outshining any star, and sun.
This feeling, this life, from these blue eyes, they show.
The civil war is over, my life's begun.

I'll make mistakes, I'll be knocked down.
But I'll never give up. Not again. No.
'Cause the fires burning, I'll defy gravity.
Who I'll be? Only time will show.

DAMN... I Miss Being A Ginger :)

When I saw this... I almost peed myself. So yeshh, I is sharing it wif you now :) hahaha.
Damn I miss being a ginger. FUN TIMES XD

"Pain" Doen't Begin To Cover It...

Sometimes I get scared, because your memory is too much to handle. Your face fills my nightmares. Never have I met such a sick twisted soul like yours. So demonic, hell spat it back out. So black a soul, you carry. Around for no other reason than to hurt. To steal. You took every ounce of happiness from me. I was killed inside, in indescribable ways. What you did to me was horrifying on too many levels. Your sadistic, satanic mind makes a porno look like home. To call you a murderer would be an injustice. To call you a murderer would be like calling Hitler innocent. Thoughts of you have scarred my mind. Your perverted insanity lit blue flames to my heart. The word "Pain" doesn't begin to cover howIi felt. Abused, violated, used, victimized, tortured, dead, worthless, like an object. Like some pawn in your sick game. Your ice cold motives penetrated my soul. I bled, and as I did, you laughed. You left me for dead. And for that, I will NEVER forgive you. You mental bastard, I hope you die. I wont rest peacefully until you've felt my pain. This knife I hold is a knife of revenge. It has your name written all over it. I won't rest until it has done the damage you've done to my sanity. I make no threats, that's a PROMISE.

*Draw*.. Why Alyssa Beth Had A Bar Code On Her Ankle

Friends will inspire you. And when they do...

Draw on them :) !

[Love] ... Happy Valentines Day (In Advance)

"I Belong To You / Mon Cœur S'ouvre à Ta Voix"

.

When these pillars get pulled down, it will be you who wears the crown.And I'll owe everything to you. How much pain has cracked your soul? How much love would make you whole? You're my guiding lightning strike. I can't find the words to say;they're overdue. I've travelled half the world to say "I belong to you". Then she attacks me like a Leo. When my heart is split like Rio. But I assure you my debts are real! I can't find the words to say;when I'm confused. I travelled half the world to say "You are my mu..."

.

Ahh. Réponds, réponds à ma tendresse. Verse-moi, verse-moi l'ivresse. Réponds à ma tendresse... Réponds à ma tendresse! Verse-moi l'ivresse. Verse-moi, verse-moi l'ivresse. Réponds à ma tendresse. Réponds à ma tendresse! Verse-moi l'ivresse...

.

I belong... I belong... to you alone. I can't find the words to say;they're overdue.Travelled half the world to say "I belong to you."

.

~MUSE

-Wind- What A Rush...

Running. Oh that wind that makes red my face. It fills my lungs like the icy waters of north seas. My legs drum a steady beat on the ground to match my heart. The scenery of my life moves by as if on a filmstrip. If I could, I would never stop. When I run, I can feel the world around me. It's like I'm one with the earth and it's glory. Running, it clears my scrambled mind, when my home is too much to take.

(This) ... With My Life I Owe

This is for those people I hold close. People who have been there for me through so much. I love you guys and I hope this shows how much you've helped me.

" I was halfway gone, with nothing left. So unhuman in too many ways. And that pain, it took over my mind. Singed the dreams that once flew high. There were weeks I barely spoke, barely ate, never slept. Yet, you remained by my side as I pulled away. Here in body, quite faintly in soul. Those nightmares made me fear my bed, so much so, I no longer went in that room. I sat alone and just cried from the agonizing horrors that taunt me. As their sick twisted flames licked my heart, I hid in shameful recluse. Tears seemed to sting my eyes as if made of acid. As I steadily declined, you never let go. Holding on for, not your life, but mine. And you healed these wounds with your compassion and love. Desperate to see my life in blue eyes, that once made mighty oceans look pale. Then, suddenly, like a flame rikindled, they burst to life. Oh that summer they had a glow like an angel. This soul's still scarred, but no longer that black hole. To you I owe my life. My true friends saved this life, and this, my friend, is true"

Alyssa Beth Gursky . Brandon Alex Blank
You both saved my life... Thank You

[Lame]... And Clearly, Your Spineless ;)

So a few seconds ago, I got a little, let's call it an insider, on what someone thought of me. Here it is...

"you really annoying. and ugly. and i cant believe people like you. ewwww your an ugly fucking slut. and please so this world a favor dont go scene. the world will come to end. k thanks. <3>

So uhmm... is this supposed to make me feel bad? You know... "Tell me what everyone thinks of me"? Well, CONGRATS! You get the "Epic Fail" award! Yeah first of all, I honestly could care less about what you have to say. Because clearly you're to afraid to say it to my face. You also hide behind the whole "Anonymous" identity. Honestly, all you've told me is that you're a... (drum roll please)... spineless coward who clearly just wanted to put me down for a self esteem boost. Oh yeah, I defiantly care about what you think of me, hahaha! So if you wrote this, and you're reading this right now. Please do me a favour...

Take your pitiful bitch comment... and shove it where the sun don't shine. Up your ass. Because as you can see, they have no affect on me sweety.

PEACE OUT HATERS ;) !

[Uhmm] Like DUDE Man !!

I has a topic for you... it's called Being Yourself.

Today I looked around and noticed "Woah, alot of people look the same!" If you don't understand that, let me clarify. We seem to be confusing two simple things; taking inspiration from someone, and making yourself look like their clone. To anyone who has made themselves someones clone... CONGRATS! I give to you a certificate of "Epic Fail" signed by Dr. Poser and Prof. Idiot. If you like what someone does, wears, looks like, don't steal it! RAWR! Use an element of it and build off it. Make it your own, unique style. You could end up inspiring someone else with your own ideas! I love seeing other people's styles and then giving it my own little twist. It's pretty fun! Not to mension you can be more true to yourself. The way your look can affect how others perceive you. In a way, I can see it as a common but powerful kind of art.

We are our own canvas. It's up to us to make it beautiful. Don't give that up to anyone!

Get creative!

*Zing* . Way To Be ;)

Live it up . Drink it down . Party hard

[What]... A Public Service Announcement.

To anyone who has bullied someone. Anyone who has put someone down for how they look.

I have a question for you...

Oh yes, I went there. But honestly. What the fuck is going through your egotistical skull? Do you think you look "cool" making someone feel like shit? WOW. Messed up values. People who bully and pick on others make me truly sick. And I kid you not. Do you know what those people you pick on GO THROUGH. Congrats, you've made someones life a living hell. I hope you feel all warm and fuzzy inside about it too. Please answer this... What are you gaining from verbally or even physically attacking someone? Hmmmmmm??? Educate me! Why are you so malign? Because after a certain point, you aren't just bullying 'cause "you think it's cool". No. You clearly need to rethink your life... stop bitching out.

COOL YOUR TITS! TAKE A MIDOL! AND GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF!

Fear... The Reasons We Lie.

I think about the pressure.
It's rarely broken down.
It's power lies in numbers.
It lurks without a sound.

These truths that we keep hidden.
We do it out of fear.
As if it is forbidden,
to think different than a peer.

Why do we feel threatened?
Care what they think of you.
For them, I won't lie for a second.
To myself, I'll always stay true.

. This . True Statement ;)

[ Life ] . . . Music / Moods / and My iPod

So today I was sitting in my room with nothing to to but text. Texting isn't exactly the most efficient way to fill ones time. So I hooked up my iPod to my sad knock-off iHome, and just started writing. It was amazing, the things I was coming up with. You can even tell my thoughts were being shifted by what song was playing. Music will never cease to amaze me. The affect it has on us is phenomenal! Now I'd like to share how my music influenced my writing this afternoon.

"Have you ever just sat alone? In your room, on the beach, on your roof, anywhere? Someplace where your thoughts are practically shooting out of you, then echoing off the walls? Where it seems silence overpowers sound. It's those moments I look forward too. Times of deep though. Self discovery even. Sometimes, I feel like those times never come. I depend on those moments to sort out my life. Prioritize my world, put things in place. It's those moments that can give us a whole new perspective of the world around us. At this day and age, there is so much lies diluted into the truth. It's crucial that we figure out the truth before it disapears. If not, we're left to wander into the fog that's meant to confuse us, control us. We are living the life of forced disorders and sensitivity failure. And when we find those people we can trust, hold them close. It makes all the difference in the world to not be alone. We need to protect eachother, make sure we have eachothers backs. You never know who is waiting with a knife... the backstabber. You never know which people are really out to hurt you. That trust relationship becomes an alliance against the dangers of our world. Believe me, I would love to be able to tell you that the world is a happy place. That pain and war are mythical like dragons. No, it's REAL. Unfortunatly, I say this with experiences to prove my point. I cried tears of misery, and a pain so terrible, it still gives me nightmares. I've been betrayed and abused. I've felt unsafe for too long now, and I've been used for the last time. To stand up to it would be to much of a challenge. But I can prevent another innocent life from some twisted minds. I don't mean to scare, I only want to help. This dark force, this monster... it's our fears. It's our fears that have been bottled up inside. They just keep growing as the clock moves life along, hour to hour. But each second that they hide, they'll only get worse. Let them out! Cast away those fears you hold on to. Tell the world what they are and be sane. Saddly, my time for that passed to long ago. But you still have the chance. Don't wait, trust me. If you don't, the pain will never go away"

So that's what you get when you leave me to my own devices in my room. I hope you can see the different personas that were taken on throughout this writing bit. I'd love to know your thoughts and opinions on this. Also, I hope that I really opened your minds and showed you how music can make you let it all out and speak to you. Music truley is, amazing :).

Psst. I Has Something To Tell You!

Ello Govnah. Since this is my first time really blogging... I'll tell you a little of what I'm about. I'm very much into today's current problems. However, I'll do anything to get a good laugh out of somebody. Being an opinionated person, I'm sorry if I ever offend you. My atheist side comes out alot as well. So to anyone who is a devoted catholic... "LOOK AWAY!" haha. Just kidding. I'll keep my atheist humor to a minimum. I strongly dislike racists and people who stereotype. People who sit and watch things happen and don't take action, yeah they annoy the hell out of me. If you're one of those people... do me a favour and please get involved. Either that or become a hillbilly... you do nothing to better the community. I associate feelings with colours. I know what you're thinking, "What the hell? Colours?". YES! COLOURS! That and music. The arts is a HUGE way to express ourselves when words fail us. I'm very in touch with my creative side, and I prove that daily :). So sit back, relax, and watch me rant/spaz/insult/and agree with today. I'm aiming to make history tomorrow.